Savage Love, 1 May 2013:
I am a 23-year-old straight male. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating in high school, when we were both 17, and continued dating until I broke up with her the summer after our freshman year in college because things felt too serious. We continued to have sex, but I blocked out all my feelings for her, while she was open about still wanting to be with me. She started dating someone else sophomore year. I realized then that I still wanted to be with her, and I broke down emotionally and made both our lives difficult while she was dating this new guy. I was a very unattractive person then. I also found out other details by snooping. I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. She didn’t have one with me until she introduced a vibrator the year I was having emotionless sex with her after the breakup. This made me feel inadequate. Since then, we have forgiven each other and tried several times to rekindle our romantic relationship. Unfortunately, while for me there is a sexual attraction, she says she is no longer attracted to me. I’m sensitive, fashionable, and artistic, and she tells me she’s more attracted to the “all American man” type. She is currently dating someone long-distance, and they have been together for seven months. But we still talk about “us,” we still cuddle, and she’ll say things like “When I think of growing old, I imagine doing so with you.” She views our intimacy as “friendly,” while I view it as more romantic. I try to be a good friend, but hearing emotional crap about her relationship makes me want to scream, “WTF are you doing? No guy will ever clear your bar, because I set the bar!” Do you think there is any chance that we will be together again? Am I nuts to still want this girl? - Her Ideal Mate
Dear Her Ideal Mate,
I don’t know where your ex-girlfriend got the idea that she was allowed to date anyone other than you at any point, especially when you don’t find it to be personally convenient, but this is the situation we’re stuck with. So let’s talk it out.
No, you’re not nuts to still want this girl; after all, you “set the bar” for all her future relationships by dumping her when things got serious, continuing to fuck her when she had feelings for you and you could have given two shits, and then proceeding to stalk and emotionally abuse her. Who could possibly measure up to this standard you’ve set? Certainly not men who aren’t as sensitive, fashionable and artistic as you!
But let’s remember that her happiness is only part of the equation here—has anyone thought about how you feel, not having your ex-girlfriend at your beck and call every time you feel her slipping away into some semblance of happiness with another, less sensitive, less fashionable, and less artistic person? You dated when you were seventeen years old; doesn’t she owe you that much?
I think she does. There is every chance that you will be together again in the future, and I am sure it definitely won’t be in a courtroom.