here's that bad advice you were hoping for

YOU'RE WELCOME

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Anonymous asked: for learning to paint: youtube tutorials are a good place to start!

SHIT IS CORRECT

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I Got An $80 Haircut And Yet Still This Lady I Dated Seven Years Ago Continues To Not Be My Forever Princess

Elle.com, Ask E. Jean, 22 July 2014:

DEAR E. JEAN: I’m a 29-year-old guy with a sad story. Seven years ago I fell in love with a girl who was admittedly out of my league but who sought to be in a relationship with me anyway. She was the first person to give me hope that I could be somebody and have a good life. Then she left me abruptly for a younger guy—a film producer (followed by several other guys)—but promised that if she ever didn’t have a serious boyfriend, she’d give me another chance. I waited for her and changed my life based on what I thought she wanted. I changed jobs, got an advanced degree, moved closer to her apartment, went to the gym every night, and started wearing $2,500 blazers. I did all these things specifically for her, down to getting $80 haircuts. Well, I got my wish. She broke up with her last boyfriend, and I took her to dinner. She confessed that her latest fling was the 18-year-old stoner next door. (Not exactly on par with what I thought she wanted.) And after two hours she said it was not going to happen between us. I built my life on the hope she gave me! Isn’t there some way I can prove my worth to her? I love her. But more than that, my confidence and my excitement about the future have been built on the promise of someday getting her. I take her refusal as a sign that even though I try my hardest, I’m nowhere near deserving of happiness. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. Can I salvage this? —Knocked Out of the Ring

Dear Knocked Out of the Ring,

It definitely sounds like this lady is just on the bare cusp of marrying you really really hard—after all, she’s only spent seven measly years actively not dating you while you have changed the entirety of your life and personage to impress her based on information she never expressly gave you and thereby have transformed yourself into precisely the kind of dude she appears to not date, ever.

Why should you, today, take her at her word that she’s not interested in you after going on a date with you when, nearly a decade ago, she told you she might go on another date with you sometime (read: date you and only you exclusively forever with absolutely no reservations or caveats whatsoever, just whole-hog total commitment and never looking back ever for any reason)? You obviously know what this lady wants and needs better than she knows herself, you just haven’t been able to show her with your blazers.  

Soooooooo, $100 haircut?

Filed under dating advice bad advice elle holy oneitis batman

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Anonymous asked: So my bf and i are on a break. Before that the sex was kind of bland and im almost shamefully sexually attracted to another guy. Is it super wrong to express that to see what i need to do, to help make my decision about my current "on a break" bf?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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Don’t go “on a break” with bland-sex boyfriend, because that is a recipe for late-night bawling and snippy text messages and Facebook stalking and dramzzzzzz about what you’re “allowed” to do with other people while you’re “on a break” and this whole annoying, boring shebang will result in the production of some really fluffy, delicious, freshly baked popovers full of resentfulness and distrust. 

Break up with bland-sex boyfriend for serious. Go bone some other dudes. You may or may not find that you miss bland-sex boyfriend more than you like boning other dudes. He may or may not be interested in going back out with you later on. This is the way life happens.

Filed under advice dating good advice interlude if satisfying sex is important to you in a relationship that's actually totally okay and if it isn't that's totally okay as well but don't do this thing where you treat something that is SUPER IMPORTANT TO YOUR HAPPINESS like you don't deserve it i'm done

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Help! There Was A Gay Wedding! What Do I Do Now?

Emily Post’s Etiquette Daily, 23 July 2014:

Q: My nephew, who is gay, just got married in Massachusetts. do I send a card or a gift or both? How do I acknowledge the event?

Who even knows? Gay people are aliens, their customs may be very different from ours. Better not risk it.

Filed under lgbtqi gay weddings etiquette weddings wedding gifts what's the deal with the gays see the thing is that he's gay he got married but he's gay there was a wedding but it was a gay wedding what do i do about a gay wedding the wedding happened except gay advice bad advice do gay people like cards do gay people like gifts to what extent gay people do gay people? when gay people get married is that like when straight people get married are gay weddings sort of like straight weddings or are they different

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I’m Sorry, Maybe I Wasn’t Clear Enough On How I Like My Birthday Best Wishes Delivered, You Ingrateful Snot

Annie’s Mailbox, 23 July 2014:

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Hurting Mama,” whose son texted her “Happy Birthday.” The first time my son sent me a text to wish me a happy birthday, I called him to inform him that if it begins with “Happy” or “Merry,” it is not a textable moment. I didn’t speak to him in a harsh or mean way, just matter-of-factly. That was two years ago, and I haven’t received a text on important occasions since. This is a bit of a family joke, but everyone now knows when it is appropriate to text and when it isn’t a wise move. — A.

Dear, A.,

YOU REALLY TOLD THAT ASSHOLE, DIDN’T YOU?

Filed under birthdays texting annie's mailbox advice bad advice parents parenting great moments in parenting

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Why Are Lazy, Ignorant Fat People So Mad At Me?

Annie’s Mailbox, 9 July 2014:

Dear Annie: I read your response to “Concerned Old Man in West Hills,” who didn’t understand why his niece was upset when he told her she was fat. You said it was rude to comment on one’s appearance. Why in hell do you think pointing out that someone is fat is so rude? They are obese, and they are killing themselves. What’s the big deal in saying so? I am 78 years old and weigh the same as I did in high school through effort and sacrifice. Give me a break! — Not a Rude Guy, Just Honest

Dear Not A Rude Guy, Just Honest,

I don’t know where fat people get off taking offense to being told that they’re fat—it’s not like they could possibly have been aware of their fatness before you, in your honestly benevolent glory, informed them of the fact. It’s like fat people think they have a right to exist in the world without being constantly berated for having a body. This is fat privilege—censoring well-meaning thin people, none of whom have ever come by their thinness through anything other than relentless effort and sacrifice. Your thinness is proof that you have human worth.

After all, they’re killing themselves—you can tell, because your honesty also affords you the psychic capacity to evaluate their physical health with nary a physical examination. You’re just trying to help—the same way you yell at people in California for carelessly living in an earthquake zone, and pull people out of cars before they foolishly put themselves in danger by using automobiles. Your concern for these lazy fat fatties is 100% centered on obesity-related health risks that you are uniquely positioned to identify with your eyes.

Filed under fat shaming fat phobia advice bad advice annie's mailbox HAES assholes

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Anonymous asked: I'm in love with somebody that doesn' love me back and I don't know how to deal with it

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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Three things.

1. Watch this until your body literally runs out of tears.

2. Find new shit to do and think about.

3. To wit: go learn to paint or some shit.

Filed under advice good advice interlude heartbreak go learn to paint or some shit man that is the shittiest place to be in but there is hope on the other side i promise

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How Much Money Do Other People Owe My Kids?

Miss Manners, 13 July 2014:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to solicit cash donations to fund my child’s extracurricular school trip from friends, family and business acquaintances? In the event that someone solicited does not reply, is it reasonable to ask again, or should the silence be interpreted as a “no”?

Gentle Reader,

Not only is it acceptable, it’s fucking cool as hell and everybody loves paying for other people’s kids to do shit, because everybody is drowning in money and running out of ways to spend it. If someone declines to pay for your kids to do shit, you should ask again until they give you the amount of money your kids require. Seriously, do not let up under any circumstances. If you ask them in the morning and they say no, ask them again in the evening. Who knows, they might have won the lottery at lunch time and accidentally forgot that the dude from the marketing department’s kid needs to go to France next summer to learn about bechamel. 

Filed under fundraising advice kids miss manners bad advice workplace

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Help! I Keep Buying Her Things, But She Won’t Fuck Me

Ask Willie D, Houston Press, 17 July 2014:

Dear Willie D: I met a young lady who is 23 years old with two kids. We have been seeing each other for about three months and I still have not rounded the bases, if you know what I mean. We were kissing one night and when I tried to take it further, she told me the next time she has sex it will be with the man she marries. I think she is full of s—-. She got pregnant twice by two men who never married her, and didn’t give a damn about her, or her kids. She’s also been with five other men — so she says. Now I come along and do all the right things: treat her good, buy her nice things, and take her out, and she wants to act like Sweet Polly Purebred. I really like her a lot, but I’m not ready for marriage. At the same time I’m a man and I have needs. Should I dump her, or hang in there and see where things go from here?

Literally every woman who has ever had sex before in her life personally owes it to you to have sex with you as well. Sex is something that women owe men who buy them things, because sex is a transaction and women’s bodies are currency.

It’s too bad that this ignorant broad can’t see how much better you are than all those entitled users she dated before who didn’t give a damn about what she wanted.

Filed under bad advice advice ask willie d houston press you guys go read the advice Willie actually gave to this tool it's just as bad as the actual letter sex premarital sex

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Anonymous asked: A while back I was raped by my boyfriend and we broke up. Months later we got back together. My best friend told her parents that I had consentual sex and that I was just slutting it up. Her parents think that I just said I was being raped to cover up the fact that I asked for sex and that I was just trying to look all innocent. My best friend went around and told everybody that I had lied, and I lost all my friends, and now her parents just think I'm a slut & it's not true. What should I do?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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The Bad Advisor is so, so sorry that this is happening to you, Anon. 

Steps:

1. Call RAINN (1-800-656-4673), or use their online hotline to talk to someone who can help you parse what happened to you, and what your next steps might be in terms of finding a counselor where you live.

2. Start thinking of terms like “ex-best friend” and “ex-boyfriend,” and consider using them. This person who is lying about you to literally anyone on the planet, up to and including her parents, is not a friend of any kind and certainly not the “best.” And there are boyfriends on planet earth who do not rape their girlfriends; you do not need to stay in a relationship with the guy who raped you. You deserve to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone who treats you, and your wants and desires or un-wants and un-desires, with the utmost respect. Sometimes people keep dating/seeing people who have sexually assaulted and/or raped them because they think that will erase the sexual assault or the rape. That is not a productive plan. Read this comic.

3. Work on seeing yourself as someone who has intrinsic value, and whose value is not determined by other people—or other people’s parents. This is hard, and for most of us it is a lifelong journey. You are not the sum total of what other people think of you. You are valuable because you are you. This will probably take work with a good therapist. Are you in school right now? Can you go talk to a counselor there? Do that.

4. Try to identify some people in your life—some new people, who aren’t massive jerkwads who call their friends “sluts”—who can be on Team You. What is Team You? It’s a group of people who can offer you support and love without holding their affection or aide hostage. You can learn more about building a “Team You” over here at Captain Awkward - read her advice on building a Team You - it might sound like the person she’s advising there is in a totally different situation than you are, but the fundamentals are the same.

Hugs to you, Anon. Many, many Bad Advisor hugs.

Filed under good advice interlude advice tw: rape tw: abuse tw: sexual assault team you