here's that bad advice you were hoping for

YOU'RE WELCOME

123 notes

I’m Sorry, Maybe I Wasn’t Clear Enough On How I Like My Birthday Best Wishes Delivered, You Ingrateful Snot

Annie’s Mailbox, 23 July 2014:

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Hurting Mama,” whose son texted her “Happy Birthday.” The first time my son sent me a text to wish me a happy birthday, I called him to inform him that if it begins with “Happy” or “Merry,” it is not a textable moment. I didn’t speak to him in a harsh or mean way, just matter-of-factly. That was two years ago, and I haven’t received a text on important occasions since. This is a bit of a family joke, but everyone now knows when it is appropriate to text and when it isn’t a wise move. — A.

Dear, A.,

YOU REALLY TOLD THAT ASSHOLE, DIDN’T YOU?

Filed under birthdays texting annie's mailbox advice bad advice parents parenting great moments in parenting

312 notes

Why Are Lazy, Ignorant Fat People So Mad At Me?

Annie’s Mailbox, 9 July 2014:

Dear Annie: I read your response to “Concerned Old Man in West Hills,” who didn’t understand why his niece was upset when he told her she was fat. You said it was rude to comment on one’s appearance. Why in hell do you think pointing out that someone is fat is so rude? They are obese, and they are killing themselves. What’s the big deal in saying so? I am 78 years old and weigh the same as I did in high school through effort and sacrifice. Give me a break! — Not a Rude Guy, Just Honest

Dear Not A Rude Guy, Just Honest,

I don’t know where fat people get off taking offense to being told that they’re fat—it’s not like they could possibly have been aware of their fatness before you, in your honestly benevolent glory, informed them of the fact. It’s like fat people think they have a right to exist in the world without being constantly berated for having a body. This is fat privilege—censoring well-meaning thin people, none of whom have ever come by their thinness through anything other than relentless effort and sacrifice. Your thinness is proof that you have human worth.

After all, they’re killing themselves—you can tell, because your honesty also affords you the psychic capacity to evaluate their physical health with nary a physical examination. You’re just trying to help—the same way you yell at people in California for carelessly living in an earthquake zone, and pull people out of cars before they foolishly put themselves in danger by using automobiles. Your concern for these lazy fat fatties is 100% centered on obesity-related health risks that you are uniquely positioned to identify with your eyes.

Filed under fat shaming fat phobia advice bad advice annie's mailbox HAES assholes

86 notes

Anonymous asked: I'm in love with somebody that doesn' love me back and I don't know how to deal with it

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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Three things.

1. Watch this until your body literally runs out of tears.

2. Find new shit to do and think about.

3. To wit: go learn to paint or some shit.

Filed under advice good advice interlude heartbreak go learn to paint or some shit man that is the shittiest place to be in but there is hope on the other side i promise

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How Much Money Do Other People Owe My Kids?

Miss Manners, 13 July 2014:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to solicit cash donations to fund my child’s extracurricular school trip from friends, family and business acquaintances? In the event that someone solicited does not reply, is it reasonable to ask again, or should the silence be interpreted as a “no”?

Gentle Reader,

Not only is it acceptable, it’s fucking cool as hell and everybody loves paying for other people’s kids to do shit, because everybody is drowning in money and running out of ways to spend it. If someone declines to pay for your kids to do shit, you should ask again until they give you the amount of money your kids require. Seriously, do not let up under any circumstances. If you ask them in the morning and they say no, ask them again in the evening. Who knows, they might have won the lottery at lunch time and accidentally forgot that the dude from the marketing department’s kid needs to go to France next summer to learn about bechamel. 

Filed under fundraising advice kids miss manners bad advice workplace

252 notes

Help! I Keep Buying Her Things, But She Won’t Fuck Me

Ask Willie D, Houston Press, 17 July 2014:

Dear Willie D: I met a young lady who is 23 years old with two kids. We have been seeing each other for about three months and I still have not rounded the bases, if you know what I mean. We were kissing one night and when I tried to take it further, she told me the next time she has sex it will be with the man she marries. I think she is full of s—-. She got pregnant twice by two men who never married her, and didn’t give a damn about her, or her kids. She’s also been with five other men — so she says. Now I come along and do all the right things: treat her good, buy her nice things, and take her out, and she wants to act like Sweet Polly Purebred. I really like her a lot, but I’m not ready for marriage. At the same time I’m a man and I have needs. Should I dump her, or hang in there and see where things go from here?

Literally every woman who has ever had sex before in her life personally owes it to you to have sex with you as well. Sex is something that women owe men who buy them things, because sex is a transaction and women’s bodies are currency.

It’s too bad that this ignorant broad can’t see how much better you are than all those entitled users she dated before who didn’t give a damn about what she wanted.

Filed under bad advice advice ask willie d houston press you guys go read the advice Willie actually gave to this tool it's just as bad as the actual letter sex premarital sex

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Anonymous asked: A while back I was raped by my boyfriend and we broke up. Months later we got back together. My best friend told her parents that I had consentual sex and that I was just slutting it up. Her parents think that I just said I was being raped to cover up the fact that I asked for sex and that I was just trying to look all innocent. My best friend went around and told everybody that I had lied, and I lost all my friends, and now her parents just think I'm a slut & it's not true. What should I do?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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The Bad Advisor is so, so sorry that this is happening to you, Anon. 

Steps:

1. Call RAINN (1-800-656-4673), or use their online hotline to talk to someone who can help you parse what happened to you, and what your next steps might be in terms of finding a counselor where you live.

2. Start thinking of terms like “ex-best friend” and “ex-boyfriend,” and consider using them. This person who is lying about you to literally anyone on the planet, up to and including her parents, is not a friend of any kind and certainly not the “best.” And there are boyfriends on planet earth who do not rape their girlfriends; you do not need to stay in a relationship with the guy who raped you. You deserve to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone who treats you, and your wants and desires or un-wants and un-desires, with the utmost respect. Sometimes people keep dating/seeing people who have sexually assaulted and/or raped them because they think that will erase the sexual assault or the rape. That is not a productive plan. Read this comic.

3. Work on seeing yourself as someone who has intrinsic value, and whose value is not determined by other people—or other people’s parents. This is hard, and for most of us it is a lifelong journey. You are not the sum total of what other people think of you. You are valuable because you are you. This will probably take work with a good therapist. Are you in school right now? Can you go talk to a counselor there? Do that.

4. Try to identify some people in your life—some new people, who aren’t massive jerkwads who call their friends “sluts”—who can be on Team You. What is Team You? It’s a group of people who can offer you support and love without holding their affection or aide hostage. You can learn more about building a “Team You” over here at Captain Awkward - read her advice on building a Team You - it might sound like the person she’s advising there is in a totally different situation than you are, but the fundamentals are the same.

Hugs to you, Anon. Many, many Bad Advisor hugs.

Filed under good advice interlude advice tw: rape tw: abuse tw: sexual assault team you

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Anonymous asked: been with this guy for three years & we recently broke up due to me having a drunk night & breaking up. he has cheated on me but says it's not cheating cause it's only text. when I was drinking I ended spilling all my feelings. i never drink that was my first time & he was mad & said im embarrassing. I called & apologized told him I didn't wanna lose him & he ignored. saw him today at a friends house & I tried to speak but he said I'll speak to you when I feel like it , am I really that wrong ?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

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The booze gods gave you a great gift when they set this break-up in motion. This dude is a gaslighting hypocrite, and he sounds like a judgmental piddlyturd to boot. Enjoy life without him, it’s gonna be the best.

Filed under good advice interlude advice relationships when people say relationships are supposed to be hard this is not what they mean and also relationships aren't really supposed to be hard

268 notes

Women Keep Oppressing Me Every Time I Don’t Beat Them Up

Ask Willie D, Houston Press, 3 July 2014:

Dear Willie D: I’m a 27-year-old man who doesn’t mind spoiling a woman, but the self-entitlement thing that’s going on with the women of today makes me want to be just as selfish as they are. Women today are lazy. They want everything but they don’t want to sacrifice anything to get it. They don’t want to work and even if they do they want to keep all of the money they make to themselves, and spend the man’s money. Since women are jumping up and down about equal rights for everything else, I think they should have equal rights to pay for their own meals, open their own doors and pay their [own] bills, or at least pay half if they’re living with a man. I just stopped seeing a young woman whom I had dated for two months because she slapped me for calling her needy. I could have hurt her, but again she got a free ride because she is a female. I’m sick of self-entitled females. Is this something that I’m supposed to accept as a man?

Man, once-a-fucking-gain a woman fails to get the physical assault she deserves from a nice guy who doesn’t mind spoiling a gold-digging, grabby bitch from time to time. Good thing you’re not as selfish as all those entitled, egomaniac broads. Women have it so good, never getting the ass-beatings they would otherwise deserve from a great, super perceptive dude like you. Never once on planet earth at any time or in any place has a man ever attacked a woman, and it’s super unfair. Bitches be over here flaunting their free rides, oppressing you every time you can’t beat them black and blue.

All women are exactly like this, and you have 100% accurately described literally all of these arrogant skirts who all they want is something for nothing, unlike you, the most generous and accommodating gentleman who ever lived.

Filed under tw: assault tw: relationship violence abuse abusers abuser dynamics advice bad advice ask willie d houston press

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My Grieving Sister-In-Law Won’t Give Me Her Flowers

Miss Manners, 6 July 2014:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother passed away and had been married for only six months. My good friend sent my favorite flower to the service. I didn’t even know she’d sent them until several days later. If the flowers are from friends of different family members who don’t know the deceased or the wife, should the widow keep them? Or should they go to the family member whose friend sent them?

Gentle Reader,

Fuck no, those flowers that your friend sent in hopes of offering a modicum of comfort and condolence to a new widow in her time of unknowable grief are YOURS because they are YOUR fave! That’s how manners works.

Filed under funerals flowers advice bad advice death widows miss manners

227 notes

A Real Nail-Biter

Annie’s Mailbox, 7 July 2014:

Dear Annie: One of my best friends constantly bites her nails. She has cats and dogs, occasionally babysits a toddler and does a lot of gardening. This is a lot of dirt and germs under her nails. Doesn’t she know she could make herself sick?

I’ve tried talking to her about her habit, but she says she can’t quit and that nothing bad has happened. 

But, Annie, she doesn’t even try. How can I make her stop biting her nails? — Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

Cut off her hands.

Filed under advice bad advice bad habits annie's mailbox nail biting how to quit biting your nails tips