here's that bad advice you were hoping for

YOU'RE WELCOME

321 notes

Anonymous asked: So I'm a 19 year old college student and am completely crushing on my 29 year old professor. I love older guys and I can tell we have so much in common and he's just so great and I'd love to get to know him outside the classroom. I plan on possibly pursuing this once the semesters over, but how? How do I know if he's interested

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

image

There’s no way to tell you this without sounding like a condescending asshole but please believe the Bad Advisor when she tells you that someday you will be 29, and you will think that a 29-year-old professor dating his 19-year-old former student is a whole fucking lot of things and “cool” or “awesome” or “a good idea” will not be one of those things, and you will laugh and laugh in retrospect at the foolishness of youth.

Put this dude in your spank bank and leave him there. Preserve the magic professor fantasy. You don’t want to know what this dude’s morning breath smells like. It’s fucking gross and it smells like him giving you patronizing little lectures about Proust and making excuses about how much more special your relationship will be if you never ever tell anyone about it.

If you absolutely have to bone someone a decade older than you or your world is going to fall afuckingpart, find someone whose life and work isn’t intimately intertwined with the college you attend.

Filed under good advice interlude college professors terrible ideas spank banks proust creepers kids these days

126 notes

baesivan asked: I really want to cut my hair into a quiff like hairstyle and at the moment my hair is at my shoulders I'm scared I'm going to regret it in a week. Any advice?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

image

DOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

You’re gonna love it but even if you don’t guess what there’s a magical and wonderful thing about hair

IT GROWS BACK

Bad Advisor is biased because she used to rock a pomp and it made her feel like exactly one millionty goddamned dollars.

Filed under good advice interlude advice haircuts hairdos quiff pomps short hair great ideas

262 notes

Help! I’m Dating A Woman With Natural Hair

Dear Abby, 9 October 2014:

DEAR ABBY: I met this beautiful woman online. We have been dating for a few months, and I really don’t care for her natural hairstyle and the scarves/headgear she wears when we’re together. I have tiptoed around the issue. What should I do? — BACHELOR IN GEORGIA

Dear Bachelor in Georgia,

What should you do? You mean, what should she do, as the individual in the relationship who is obligated to meet certain culturally mandated standards of beauty, imposed and perpetuated in order to maintain an overarching system of patriarchal white supremacy, such that she doesn’t offend your delicate aesthetic sensibilities as the partner on whom she must rely to bestow upon her any value whatsoever as a human being in the eyes of a society positively teeming with misogynoir?

Stop tip-toeing around and tell your girlfriend how you feel! She will very likely take your concerns into consideration and make some big changes to her “headgear” look. With headphones. Possibly big ones. Noise-canceling ones.

Filed under dear abby advice bad advice natural hair misogynoir relationships white supremacy beauty standards the delicate aesthetic sensibilities of straight dudes

191 notes

Behold! The Most Beautiful And Unique of Sexually Liberated Snowflakes, Like, Extremely Sexually Liberated, Like, Way More Liberated Than You Can Really Probably Imagine

Ellie, 1 October 2014:

I’m female, 27, and have been in an open relationship with my main partner for four years. During two years of that time, I’ve also been seeing a married man for a strictly sexual relationship of which my main partner is totally aware and he participates in it. I have no desire for the married man to leave his wife. I don’t want anything from him other than what he’s already doing, and don’t plan to change the arrangement anytime soon. While I admit it’s possible for someone to get hurt, it’s most certainly not going to be me. I have a few friends who know about my situation. While they’re all monogamous, they enjoy asking me questions and getting tidbits of racy details about my alternative lifestyle. —Not A Problem

Dear Not A Problem,

OMG U R TEH KEWLEST 

Filed under while i admit it's possible for someone to get hurt it's most certainly not going to be me famous last words advice bad advice beautiful and unique snowflakes snowflakery they enjoy asking me questions and getting tidbits of racy details about my alternative lifestyle which to be clear is not a mainstream lifestyle sooooooooo alternative wow much edgy so banging a married dude very not giving a fuck how his wife feels about it such liberation ellie

228 notes

PEOPLE ARE SO BAD AT COMMUNICATING WITH ME

Annie’s Mailbox, 25 September 2014:

Dear Friends and Family: When I phone, it’s because I want to speak with you. If you would like to speak with me, please do the same. Do not attempt to carry on a conversation by texting. We can get the same results in a two-minute phone call as in a texting session that leaves things out and takes way too much time. I also have to wait for your response. And I wouldn’t dream of texting you back while I am driving. I would love to hear from you, so please call. If I don’t answer, leave a message. I will do the same for you. There may be times when texting is necessary, but I do not want that to be our principal means of communication. Annie, am I asking too much? — Dorothy

Dear Dorothy,

Thank you so much for this important letter, Dorothy. Your communication-challenged family and friends can really learn a thing or two about excellent interpersonal skills from you, a person who writes passive-aggressive screeds about text messages to internet advice columnists in hopes that someone reads it, recognizes themselves, and gives a shit. 

Filed under advice bad advice texting text messages phone etiquette annie's mailbox dorothy

794 notes

Help, Menopause Ruined My RV Vacation!

Ask Amy, 13 September 2014:

Dear Amy: When we were dating, my wife was the sweetest woman in the world. She didn’t make a move without asking me. We had a few kids. She stayed home and raised them while I worked. The kids grew up and went off on their own. The wife got a part-time job to keep herself busy. Then she got promoted. Now she works full time, goes to business lunches and dinners, meetings and training sessions. She comes home, cooks and cleans. She doesn’t ask me what I’d like for dinner but makes whatever she feels like. Our plan was for me to retire when I turned 62 (she’s 57), buy an RV and travel the country. Well, we bought the RV, but she can only go on weekend trips. Vacations are saved for when the kids come home. She traded in the car I bought her to tote the kids around for a sports car that I can barely fit in. Now she’s talking about getting a smaller house because she doesn’t have time to clean “a big empty house.” I keep telling her we will have grandkids one day and she will be glad we have all the space. She’s changed so much in 37 years that I don’t even recognize her, and I’m afraid one day I will wake up to a “for sale” sign in my front yard. How do I convince her she is just going through “the change” and in a few years she will be back to normal again? — Mystified Mike

Dear Mystified Mike,

Boy howdy, the ole’ ball and chain sure has pulled a fast one on you! Time was nice ladies like ole’ wifey knew their place. (Slightly behind you but never out of sight, holding a dishrag.)

But here you are today, seeing your wife bring in an income and cook and clean your home while you pine away for an RV you can’t use unless she’s in it—I mean, it’s not like it’s going to clean itself during a trip to Flagstaff, is it?

When you married your wife, she had a lifetime obligation to stay the same person she was on your wedding day. That’s what long-term partnership is about: wives graciously taking orders from their husbands for their entire lives, until they drop dead on the ironing board. You understand this, but your wife clearly doesn’t—and for that, you can definitely blame menopause, the only possible cause of your wife’s desire to be an independent human being with her own interests.

Nothing besides a totally natural hormonal change could possibly have compelled her to seek out new occupations and hobbies after the make-up of her life shifted away from the daily tasks involved in raising your children for you—certainly not the prospect of living under the thumb of a man who takes offense to the purchase of a sports car for the rest of her god-forsaken days.

What, are you supposed to cook dinner? Mop a floor? Have an open and honest discussion with your wife about household purchases and meal planning? No man should ever deign to engage in such offensive activities with his helpmeet. Nevertheless, you may have to gently suggest to her that she’s getting a little uppity these days, and has she talked to her doctor about her bizarre and offensive interest in acting like an autonomous human?

After all, your dinner is at stake.

Filed under bad advice ask amy advice menopause marriage your dinner is at steak sexism misogyny uppity wives

140 notes

Anonymous asked: Where does the Bad Advisor live? Does she ever plan on doing a meet up or something? I'd love to buy her a drink.

The Bad Advisor is everywhere and nowhere. Every time you buy a drink for someone you love, you are buying a drink for the Bad Advisor.

68 notes

Anonymous asked: I have a friend. She's sort of my second den mother. She has two dogs, but one recently passed away. Like, way recently. Other than be there for her and her fam., is there anything else I can do? Is it tacky to send flowers for a pet?

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

image

The Bad Advisor extends her deepest sympathies to your friend on the loss of her dear pup. Flowers would be a sweet gesture, but you might consider making a donation to an animal rights or animal welfare organization in your friend’s name. They’ll often send over a nice card informing the honoree of donations. 

Filed under good advice interlude death of a pet sympathy grief grieving pets

182 notes

I’m Having A Hard Time Mothering At These Grown Adults

Carolyn Hax, 9 September 2014:

Dear Carolyn: I am the stepmother to two young adults, a 26-year-old boy and a 30-year-old girl. They are both married without children and their mother is deceased. I have five kids of my own, all over 35. Every year my children come up for at least one holiday with their spouses and families. My stepchildren have not visited for the holidays in the four years my husband and I have been married. When they visit, they are polite but aloof. I really want to be a good stepmother to both of them; however, they don’t seem to have any interest in being parented by anyone. My husband is depressed that his children don’t care to be a part of our blended family. He had problems with both kids in the past but he figured they would grow out of their dislike for him. I confronted his daughter, and she said although she is willing to forge friendships with my kids and me, she’s not terribly interested in having new siblings or a parent/child relationship with me. What does this leave me as? Step-friend? Step-acquaintance? As the now matriarch of this family, how do I bring them all together?

- Step-Parent or Step-Friend?

Dear Step-Parent or Step-Friend?,

What about “your majesty”? Has a nice ring to it.

Filed under step parents advice step parenting using parenting as a verb for something you do to or at adult humans carolyn hax bad advice blended families

445 notes

Anonymous asked: My friend is fat, and he has a friend who is also fat. And they both rode in my car at the same time and long story short, their combined weight of 500+ lbs damaged the suspension of my car such that I can't get it to go faster than 70 MPH downhill anymore. I try my best to take them on walks when we hang out, but I'm afraid he's going to notice that we no longer go to see movies/visit other friends/generally drive around. What do I tell him when he inevitably asks why? I don't want to hurt him.

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

image

Are your friends … dogs? Is that why you “take them on walks” when you “hang out” with them?

Believe the Bad Advisor, your friends have noticed that you’re treating them like secret weight loss projects. Being fat doesn’t mean you stop having the capacity to understand and interpret the actions of other people. You can’t play a trick on fat people that will make them thin. Stop doing this asinine shit, it’s gross.

As for your car? Welp, sorry. Cars go on the road and roads are dangerous and random places where cars get fucked up. You can’t prove your fat friends did jack shit to your car’s suspension.

The Bad Advisor’s best guess is that you’re the one who’s going to “notice” that you no longer go to “see movies/visit other friends/generally drive around” with your fat friends because your fat friends don’t like being treated like shitty science experiments.

Go get your mind right.

Filed under good advice interlude car trouble friend trouble fat-shaming trying to trick fat people into being thin so you can put them in your car because apparently that's a thing that we're doing now